Reflecting – the Mommy Files

24 Jul

After a long week and a busy weekend we are moving slowing this morning.  Enjoying the last couple of mornings before school starts again, before we have to be intentional, on-time.  

My children do not know what happened last week.  We do not have tv in the house, we got rid of cable and haven’t been able to afford the converter boxes to let our old tv’s get the public channels.  We pay $8 a month for older shows to be streamed through the internet to us.  There is no local news coming in through our tv.  Our children do not know what happened.  They don’t need to really.  But we do.

Not Colorado.  Not Again.  

My heart is broken.  And I fight with myself.  Do I write about it?  How can I not.  

Sis tells me our kitchen is cowboy country.  The living room is a carnival.  She is rearranging little trinkets on the table.  This one gives you power.  This one gives you strength.  

She is buzzing.  Dino-man is buzzing.  Grammy is taking them to a movie today.  A movie.  

And this is why we do not tell them what happened.  I refuse to let this incident instill fear in my children.  They don’t need that.  They deserve better than that.  

Right now SW is 10.  Someday he will be older.  He will want to go to late night movies with his friends, and why not?  Because he is afraid?  Because I am afraid.  

I wrestle, I pray.  My mom heart aches deep.  

Sis has rearranged the trinkets again.  Now they are tokens to get in to her carnival, to ride the rides.  I bump my tea reaching for one, I’ve forgotten to remove the bag, in the sun it has steeped strong and dark.   The first scalding sip is sweet as honey.  Just what I needed.

How would I explain this tragedy to my children?  I cannot.  I cannot tell them why he did it, why it happened, or that it won’t happen again.  I cannot promise to always keep them safe.  My job and I cannot do it.

But I can tell them not to loose faith, hope.  I can tell them to keep loving on each other.  Fiercely, with all their heart.  Because he may have been one man, but look at how many people it brought together.  How many emergency workers, doctors, nurses saved lives.  How one brother scarified for another.  How a community came together to take care of each other.  

There is bad in this world, but there is so very much more that is better.  

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